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Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Bootycall Lessons
I got a text at 10:50 PM yesterday evening. It was from my ex-girlfriend, Kim. We broke up about four months ago. It was a matter of circumstance (I'm joining the Peace Corps) and incompatibility.
This is what the text said:
'Will you come over and give it to me.'
I knew what she meant. Kim and I still get drunk and text each other with propositions. To date, none of them have culminated in anything for various reasons.
Kim is one of the only people I know that makes me doubt myself, so I responded thus:
'Does that mean what I think it means.'
No response. I became impatient, and three minutes later I texted:
'Because before I get excited I want to make sure that was meant for me'
Seeds of doubt. Was the text a proposition for another person? Was the text calling for a casual favor, completely misinterpreted without context? I tried calling to confirm, but the rings went suddenly into voice-mail.
I consider myself mostly self-confident. I have a good sense of who I am, and I don't falter often.
But I was a stringy mess, at this point. The girls I fall in love with are the only people on Earth that incapacitate me.
'Fuck it. I'm coming down.'
Lesson #1: I'm still in love with Kim. I'm okay with that. I know (and most people don't) that love is variable, and has degrees. I don't love Kim much, but I love her, nonetheless. I can make it to her apartment in 30 minutes if I speed.
The feeling was familiar. It's angst, and nervousness. It's a little bit cold. There's some panic in there, too. I thought it felt right. I thought it was what I wanted. The impulse and desire were strong, and I confused them for intuition, but I didn't realize that until later.
I got to Kim's. Her car was gone. Her apartment door was unlocked, like always. I tried calling her twice. I felt like a tool. I lied down on her couch, and tried to force myself into sleep.
As I write this, it reminds me of the time I tried to sleep in Michelle's bed while she was at a party in Golden. I was shaking uncontrollably as I waited for her. She was my first-love. We had broken up when she slept with a guy named Mike while I was out of state. Mike was the one throwing the party. Michelle still let me sleep in her bed because it was too hard for me to be alone at night. She would hug me while I cried.
Not a good feeling to reclaim; trying to sleep because it forces the heartbreak time to move faster. The waiting is too much to take.
I usually fall asleep easily, but, last night, my thoughts were piercing, and constant. Sleep was a transition that I somehow shifted into. I came out of it, just as suddenly, at 3 AM. I didn't feel relieved or rested. I still felt like a tool.
My phone showed no new texts, no new messages. Kim's car was still gone.
I wandered into her bedroom. I started to make the bed so I could sleep in it. It looked like she hadn't slept at home in a few days, which became fodder for more worry. I turned off the lights, and lied down.
I realized I didn't want to be there. Finally.
I recollected my belongings from her floor: a contact case, shoes, a tote bag holding tooth brush and condoms.
I drove home, certain that there was something to be learned. I resisted the urge to send Kim an angry message; after all, I was the one who had driven down. I was the one following my cock against some glimmer of personal judgement inside of me.
This pulsed in my head, every few minutes:
Lesson #2: Libido is a poor replacement for personal judgement.
But, I was still confused. This drive towards physical gratification had felt so 'right' four hours prior. I tried to think of similar situations. After a few minutes, I decided that fighting/anger, and the act of apathy were the same as mindless sexual desire.
How does one distinguish between the need of impulse, and the want of intuition? I don't blame myself for improperly doing so scores of times. They're difficult to differentiate between. I did some stream of consciousness writing in one of my notebooks this morning, and I think I articulate the difference well enough:
So, both desire and intuition are difficult to discern because of their lack of articulated 'rationalization.' You simply 'do,' them because of urge. The desire is carnal 'need,' however whereas the intuition is a personalized/universal 'want,' for what's best. The lack of concrete expression for either is what confused me.
But like I said, now I can better discern between the two. Sexual desire is a place where I've often faltered, and by faltered I mean acted in ways that left me unhappier than I was before. I think this final lesson will help me be a happier person:
Lesson #3: The difference between desire and intuition, is the difference between gratification, and love.
or
Lesson #3: The difference between desire and intuition, is the every difference between gloss pictures, and mirrors.
Kim texted me this morning at 10 AM. She said her phone died at her brother's, and she was too drunk to drive home.
Matt, what do you make of all this?
This is what the text said:
'Will you come over and give it to me.'
I knew what she meant. Kim and I still get drunk and text each other with propositions. To date, none of them have culminated in anything for various reasons.
Kim is one of the only people I know that makes me doubt myself, so I responded thus:
'Does that mean what I think it means.'
No response. I became impatient, and three minutes later I texted:
'Because before I get excited I want to make sure that was meant for me'
Seeds of doubt. Was the text a proposition for another person? Was the text calling for a casual favor, completely misinterpreted without context? I tried calling to confirm, but the rings went suddenly into voice-mail.
I consider myself mostly self-confident. I have a good sense of who I am, and I don't falter often.
But I was a stringy mess, at this point. The girls I fall in love with are the only people on Earth that incapacitate me.
'Fuck it. I'm coming down.'
Lesson #1: I'm still in love with Kim. I'm okay with that. I know (and most people don't) that love is variable, and has degrees. I don't love Kim much, but I love her, nonetheless. I can make it to her apartment in 30 minutes if I speed.
The feeling was familiar. It's angst, and nervousness. It's a little bit cold. There's some panic in there, too. I thought it felt right. I thought it was what I wanted. The impulse and desire were strong, and I confused them for intuition, but I didn't realize that until later.
I got to Kim's. Her car was gone. Her apartment door was unlocked, like always. I tried calling her twice. I felt like a tool. I lied down on her couch, and tried to force myself into sleep.
As I write this, it reminds me of the time I tried to sleep in Michelle's bed while she was at a party in Golden. I was shaking uncontrollably as I waited for her. She was my first-love. We had broken up when she slept with a guy named Mike while I was out of state. Mike was the one throwing the party. Michelle still let me sleep in her bed because it was too hard for me to be alone at night. She would hug me while I cried.
Not a good feeling to reclaim; trying to sleep because it forces the heartbreak time to move faster. The waiting is too much to take.
I usually fall asleep easily, but, last night, my thoughts were piercing, and constant. Sleep was a transition that I somehow shifted into. I came out of it, just as suddenly, at 3 AM. I didn't feel relieved or rested. I still felt like a tool.
My phone showed no new texts, no new messages. Kim's car was still gone.
I wandered into her bedroom. I started to make the bed so I could sleep in it. It looked like she hadn't slept at home in a few days, which became fodder for more worry. I turned off the lights, and lied down.
I realized I didn't want to be there. Finally.
I recollected my belongings from her floor: a contact case, shoes, a tote bag holding tooth brush and condoms.
I drove home, certain that there was something to be learned. I resisted the urge to send Kim an angry message; after all, I was the one who had driven down. I was the one following my cock against some glimmer of personal judgement inside of me.
This pulsed in my head, every few minutes:
Lesson #2: Libido is a poor replacement for personal judgement.
But, I was still confused. This drive towards physical gratification had felt so 'right' four hours prior. I tried to think of similar situations. After a few minutes, I decided that fighting/anger, and the act of apathy were the same as mindless sexual desire.
How does one distinguish between the need of impulse, and the want of intuition? I don't blame myself for improperly doing so scores of times. They're difficult to differentiate between. I did some stream of consciousness writing in one of my notebooks this morning, and I think I articulate the difference well enough:
'They seem intuitive, because they're strong, immediate, and filled w/desire,
but I think it's animalistic in its bluntness. It's a base urge, which is
similar to the enlightened 'want,' of intuition because you're [unexplicitly]
driven to do something. However, intuition is a calculated, honest want, whereas
desire is a sudden, partial 'need.' If the true want is focused on, the desire
is lessened. You don't want: to use someone for gratification; to fight in
anger; to 'do' nothing. But they seem intuitive and 'right,' given an undefined
'pull' throws you @ them. In Decorum,[succumbing to what you 'should'
do] there's an articulate rationalization against the will. In desire, it's
a carnal, unvoiced push, and now I can discern the difference between that and
intuition.'
So, both desire and intuition are difficult to discern because of their lack of articulated 'rationalization.' You simply 'do,' them because of urge. The desire is carnal 'need,' however whereas the intuition is a personalized/universal 'want,' for what's best. The lack of concrete expression for either is what confused me.
But like I said, now I can better discern between the two. Sexual desire is a place where I've often faltered, and by faltered I mean acted in ways that left me unhappier than I was before. I think this final lesson will help me be a happier person:
Lesson #3: The difference between desire and intuition, is the difference between gratification, and love.
or
Lesson #3: The difference between desire and intuition, is the every difference between gloss pictures, and mirrors.
Kim texted me this morning at 10 AM. She said her phone died at her brother's, and she was too drunk to drive home.
Matt, what do you make of all this?
And
Thus begins something. It's something.
But what it is we do not know.
All we know is that it will eventually be something else entirely.
But for now, this is all that this particular something is.
We hope you enjoy it.
But what it is we do not know.
All we know is that it will eventually be something else entirely.
But for now, this is all that this particular something is.
We hope you enjoy it.
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